Free-Spirited Writing

Jul 22, 2008 at 10:13 AM
3 comments

First, I would like to give a disclosure: The feelings expressed here are not representative of the beliefs of MTC, its administrators, or affiliates. These are my own thoughts, representative of my own beliefs and opinions, being expressed in the form of free (spirited) writing.

You want to know what scares me most? I used to be afraid that I'd be alone for the rest of my life. Then, I accepted that "fact" for a year, before meeting the love of my life and marrying him a year later. Before that, I was afraid that I wouldn't amount to anything, having wasted four years' education in an expensive financial institution/college ($30,000 annually) to be left with what I considered to be nothing: no job options, no connections, and student loans to repay. (Depressing, huh? It gets worse...) And before that, I was afraid that I wouldn't get to leave Mississippi and attend my first college of choice in Atlanta; thus, being trapped in Mississippi and forced to deal with its backwards ways of thinking for the rest of my life (Currently, my husband and I live in Ridgeland, MS).

God has not given us the spirit of fear, but I've noticed that fear has had an important impact in my decision-making over the past four years. And, of course, it was not fear alone that influenced my decisions. It was usually coupled with it's best friends: anxiety, stress, and depression.

Now, I see my fears as blessings in disguise. You see, I have a profound belief that everything happens for a reason. And I am convinced that my then defense mechanism: fear, has began to manifest itself as faith. Going back to those things that frightened me. It's okay to be afraid. Fear is a normal emotion, but one that should be dealt with with special attention; otherwise, that fear would manifest itself as one or all of its other allies. As I look back on those times, I realize that being afraid took more work and more energy than having faith. In essence, I came to the same result (as was meant to happen), but being afraid made the journey miserable instead of exciting. I did not realize my blessings, and was afraid because they were not in line with what I wanted for myself.

My fear is on another level: now I "fear" that I will not recognize God's blessings and use them to show His light, not only for myself but for others as well. I'm afraid that I will continue with this vicious cycle of fear, instead of continuing to believe in myself and having faith. I'm afraid of continuing to live in fear.

God gives us just what we need. And for that reason, I try using every moment of every day to see what His plan is for me, knowing that it is better than my plan for myself. That's why I'm here: to do God's will by educating and enlightening His people to want a better life for themselves and to use those blessings they reap to help others.

This may sound easy, but it's definitely a challenge; however, I'm ready to reap the benefits that faith provides and fear deprives.

Are you ready for that challenge?

3 comments

Comments

[this is good]

GREAT post Christina.

Thank you for this transparent reflection, Christina! You've beautifully articulated much of what has been on my own heart these past months. God does give us what we need and at some of my most trying moments this summer- He blessed me with the light of your presence, encouragement, and support. Please know that the words of your post, alone, are a reflection of His light. <3

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline." ( 2 Timothy 1:7)